To the failed abortion who broke in to my workplace on Friday night, first of all, thank you for making me absolutely sick to my stomach, and for the fact that I could barely sleep last night because that and a lot of other things were going through my mind, and for the fact that I could not for the life of me concentrate in work today because of what you had done. It really gives a whole new meaning to those Monday blues!

Second of all, let me apologise for the fact that we keep pretty much no money on our premises (apart from our petty cash, which you failed to get in to), and that you had to leave empty handed. If I was going to put any sort of effort in to robbing a place, I'd at least be checking if they had tea and buns (spoiler: we had both). I'm also sorry that our cupboards were locked, and that you couldn't get in to them with whatever you used, but being the special little snowflake you are, you tried, didn't you? Thank you for leaving lots of scrapes along the wood though, that didn't make me feel sick at all every time I had to go and get something out of the cupboards and view the reminder that someone had tried to gain access without permission. I'm sorry that there was nothing interesting in my drawer apart from clear nail varnish and some lipstick for you to take (but thanks for being considerate enough to leave them). I'm also sorry that our cleaners greatly inconvenienced you by turning up 20 minutes after you did. I'm also sorry that you felt it necessary to break the glass in not one, but three of our office doors. There really was no need :-)

That all said, thank you for being obviously retarded and for being stupid enough to leave one of your fingerprints behind the bathroom door in the men's room. Please be advised that forensics picked up on that. Rest assured, I hope they catch you :-)

I do hope you enjoyed your visit to my place of work, but if you feel like visiting again, please be advised we have seen Home Alone. We know what to do.

All the best!